I thought it might be.... ~Thinking of the right word...~ Beneficial?... To have a thread for the loved ones we've lost. Somewhere we can go to talk about those we've lost and miss so very much. We can share our feelings here and not be judged (Please) but be here for one another and share the wonderful memories we have of those we lost. Please only post here if you are willing to talk about said person... Sometimes it helps to talk to others about your pain, you need to get it out in a healthy way (so I am realizing) And when I'm talking or typing to a friend online I sometimes feel that said person can see/hear me and I'm talking to him....

So, here goes. On December 13, 2011 My Ex and also the father of my 9 year old daughter, was shot and killed. Yeah... I may have to come back at a later time and fill some things in but i don't mind answering questions.
I have tons of mixed emotions... mostly denial and sadness. As I've said to some close friends of mine, I feel as tho i've not been alive until now... I know that may sound bad since i have 3 wonderful children who light up my life but i feel now like i am in some different world, everything is new to me, all these emotions that i have felt so many times in my life, they feel brand new like a new sadness. And when i remember saying in the past, "this person broke my heart" I get pissed off at myself for being so damned foolish. Because now my heart is broken. I feel it. A gaping hole in my chest. A pain that will never go away. Also i've never felt so damn morbid about things. Like before i've looked at a grave where someone laid.. 6 feet under us, but never not once did i think and imagine them laying there. F*ck My Life. Why do i have to think and even have a mental image of such a horrible sight? Why.
You can trust that this man was a good man. Made mistakes but good people do that. Loved with all of him. He was a great man and he was taken from us far too soon and I'm PISSED. How the f*ck could "God" need him more than we do, more than his daughters??????? That's selfish and I hate him for this. Fact is i'm hating a lot of things. I can't even go into the city of detroit where it happened because i want to burn the place down. I've visited him once but am afraid to go back in fear i won't be able to leave. I want to do so much but can't. The best thing in the world right now is also the worst. Our daughter is a mirror image of him. Acts just as silly as he did too.

I wanted to share this cause I hope it helps me. I made a slideshow to look at every now and then and I'd like to share that too. These are some of our memories, I am so glad I wasn't a psycho bitch and ripped them up like I have done in the past..... ~mental facepalm~

I didn't do all this before because denial stopped me. But I've got to accept this and move on somehow and I spend some time here to release and try to enjoy my free time and i do so with you all so why can't i share the sad parts of me with you too. But this is me, right now and how I'm feeling, can you relate? Can you accept me, be my friend and help me move on?

Please if you have nothing to add that may help us in need of advice then please stay away and don't be that guy. we're hurting enough and don't need another reason. Be real and share to help your fellow man, Or move along.



http://s698.photobucket.com/albums/vv345/deedee4481/RL%20pics/?action=view&current=e8f475d6.pbw
(a slideshow- the link doesn't seem to be working, so i'm going to post it on my profile for anyone who would like to see.)

Rest In Paradise Toney E Samuel. You are missed terribly. To one of the best men I ever knew but didn't appreciate it when you were here, I'm sorry and i've learned my lesson from this and promise to appreciate everyone everyday that i am here. I miss you and love you. WE miss you and love you.

Love, dee aka deebo the nick name he gave me

Also, thank you very much for reading and any advice you may have, I do appreciate it and try to understand if my reply is not nice or seem nice, i mean well i really do. I think a lot of people take me the wrong way. I'm a nice person who only wants to make you smile. Can and will you try to do the same for me.... Thanks for your time.

June 28 i came home from school with my mom the house was hot which wasn't normal. We looked to see if his car was there. It wasn't tell a few minutes later we found that my dad had died in my mom's room just hours after we left that morning. *starts to cry* He was my hero and he died i was 11 when this happened this is why i'm shy and scared to get close to people because this seems to happen or they leave me when i get close. i no longer feel safe with out him. my mom almost died then to but i'm the only reason she didn't but lately i feel maybe if i left she'd get how she makes me feel........ sad scared angry.

I'm very sorry for your loss. ~sends long distant hugs~ I wish I knew what to say to you right now.. but the sad truth is i am just as lost as you are. But i truly appreciate you doing this with me, thank you very much it means a lot to not feel so alone. It took a lot of courage to put all my feelings out here, cause online people are a lot ruder than in front of your face, cause they can get away with it. Plus i can't smack the sarcastic ass that said something they shouldn't have said But anyways... I bet your dad is near you always and watching out for you and if you have troubles getting close to others, well it takes times but one day you will get close to someone again and it will be worth it. But don't forget that your dad is as close as anyone can get. he's here and he's everywhere you are all the time.

i no he is but people are so.....non understanding that its hard to get close people here seem so nice and non judging of me even when im in the mind sit of a 11 year old still i lost my da to a heart attack and still don't understand it and probably never will

Probably not dear. and that sucks so very much. But i don't think we are emant to understand everything and in my opinion is the problem with us humans. We HAVE to understand and have an explanation and with death, we seldom get that. So that is why death is so hard to accept.

At this time the only thing that really angers me is that people are acting like Toney didn't die... like they aren't but they are going about their life, they have to i get it but i don't agree I don't want to move on, maybe it's guilt? maybe it's me trying to live in denial.... but i get mad when it seems people forgot or moved on. It feels wrong to move on from this pain. He's gone, he was killed and he didn't deserve it, now i feel like i'm forever going to pay the price of his loss. And i know i do not deserve to live in pain, i didn't do anything wrong but the guilt won't let me see nor feel that. What happened isn't ok...... I cannot accept this.

im there with you losing someone is the hardest thing in the world and olny those who have get it

I'm pretty sure we've all lost someone. But it is harder when they are ripped out of your life, like in our cases. I know it is hard when someone dies, no matter what, even if you knew they were sick but at least you have some time to try and accept it.

Fathers Day, 2007.

R.I.P Dad.

It's a long story, I'll add it once I've finished writing what happened.

ya its hard esphally with parents and other that are very close

the days are getting harder as the grief gets move noticeable again guess its time to write and talk more

my dad was my hero now people are telling me that i need to get a life and learn his not a live now my answer that only works if you fully no that he is as far as my mind no's he could walk through the door any day now does he no could he maybe. i'm strong when need to but dont expect me to act like he never lived he did i no just like those who new him new i may still want him here but that doesnt mean i no he cant yes his dead no he hasnt left my heart mind or any thing else. he was my rock now its my brother trust me i no what life is like when you have nothing left or think you dont.




I MISS YOU DADDY. always will no matter what i'm told
i will live the life i was meant to live weather people like it or not its my life not theres never will be i am smart and will use it


Edited at 04/01 16:06:11

On July 19, 2010, an ex-boyfriend, who later became so much more--he was a friend--a very good one--ended his life. He shot himself in the head after an argument with his wife. In addition to being a great person, he was also a hero. He was an Iraq war veteran. A real hard-working, great all around person. What got me was that I had once contemplated doing the same thing and he did his best to talk me out of it and to help me when nobody else wanted to. I wish I had known he was in that kind of pain. I would have tried to help him the same way he once helped me. RIP JG. I will always love you.

time to talk again the greif is taking over again which is bad have to fight that and everything else in my life.